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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.