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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.