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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?