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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
am feeling lazy......... jst like the guy who desighned the Japannese flag
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.