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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm