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A wise man once said nothing.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn`t hear you the first 100 times.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
That moment when being uncool, is cool
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"