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The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.