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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.