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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
Iām late for a disappointment.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.