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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
You had me at 0 mutual friends