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If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
Do you really have to breath that much?
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.