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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.