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If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.