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You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
There`s no WE in pizza.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
My misery likes tequila, not company.