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500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
Iām convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there