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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.