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I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.