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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
My whole life is based on a true story...
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..