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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but Iād like to think a beer is the way to go.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work