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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Iām not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?