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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.