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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."