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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
So much to do and so few alibis.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....