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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.