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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.