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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
Go ahead caller 9!!
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.