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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.