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I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally