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You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
This century is already 15% over.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.