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I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down."
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
I always advise people never to give advice.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.