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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying