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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....