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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.