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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.