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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.