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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Keep calm and drink on.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
High-five a veteran today.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.