Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.