Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.