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Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
It`s okay, Web MD. I don`t really know what`s wrong with me either.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"