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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??