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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.