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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.