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Have you hugged you bartender today.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(