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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
I am the bestest at the English language...
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.