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If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
All milk is breast milk.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.