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Partying on my level requires years of training.
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.