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If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.