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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.