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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!