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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.