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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.