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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.