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If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
A leaf blower, but for people.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.