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"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...