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My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.