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18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.