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Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.