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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
status uploading
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.