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Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.