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Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
is "insert clever remark here."
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.