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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.