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Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.