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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee`s, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.