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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
Gym update: not there
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
Find someone you`re good at.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?