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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.