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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
“Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
If I had a dollar for every time I had a nickel.......
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.