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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.